Losing a Friend to Suicide
You never think that something will happen to you until it does. Last May, I lost a close friend to suicide and have been working to cope. I’ll never forget the day that she passed. I was sitting in CVS with my grandfather after just getting my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine. As soon as the nurse removed the needle from the side of my left arm, my phone rang. I stood up and picked up the phone to hear my friend on the other end frantically crying and panting. I became anxious and then heard her mumble the words: “Mia, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Sarah passed away this morning. She killed herself. Everyone is meeting at the hospital now.” My heart dropped, and I began to tear up. I told my friend I’d meet up with her later and put my phone down. I turned to face my grandfather to tell him what I had just found out. After you get the vaccine, the nurse makes you wait for around fifteen minutes before leaving to check that you don’t have any side effects. Those fifteen minutes were a long fifteen minutes. I sat in a little red chair, balling my eyes out with everyone in the store watching me. I’d never thought I’d have to mourn the loss of a loved one so early on in my life, especially the life of a friend who was my age.
The following week was difficult. I and all of Sarah’s friends hung out every day. We ordered food, talked, sang songs, and did our best to cope. Not only was Sarah a friend of mine, but she was also my neighbor. No longer would I be able to run over to her house to hang out or have her come and hang out with my dogs and me. My family and I were heartbroken. Sarah’s funeral was held the week after she passed. Seeing your friend lifeless in an open casket is an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I couldn’t believe that my friend was gone.
The thing about experiencing trauma, especially the death of a loved one, is that the healing process is never-ending. You have triggers, and the pain from the trauma hits you at random times. Over the summer, I remember I drove to dance practice one day and passed by a funeral procession. I immediately broke into tears because it reminded me of my friend’s funeral, where my mom and I participated in the funeral procession. I had to pull over and allow myself to calm down before continuing to drive. I started college this September, and the first week of school was hard. I often thought about how my friend would never get to experience college and life after high school.
Recently, on October 3rd, I participated in the Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention led by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Sarah’s favorite flowers were sunflowers, and the team I walked with was called the “Sunflower Brigade”. Our team raised $15,178 for suicide prevention. I began to tear up after seeing the screen that listed all of the deceased loved ones that people were walking in honor of. It pained me that so many people have been in such dark places that they felt that their only option was to end their own life. I saw one sign that read “Austin: Age 14” and was stunned. It broke my heart to know that a young boy was feeling so mentally low at age fourteen.
After the walk, I felt more than ever before that I needed to make sure that I was the best friend that I could be. I’ve always prided myself on being a good friend, but now I make it a point to consistently check up on my friends and make sure they are okay. Even the friends who seem the most put together also need to be checked on because the strongest friends often feel they have the least amount of people to lean on.
I also felt more of a push to make sure that I engage in proper self-care. Self-care is so important, and not enough people prioritize it. I try to plan for a single night out of every week to get my nails done, take a long shower, read, journal, meditate, listen to high vibrational music, and partake in anything else that makes me happy. I always admired my friend Sarah for always being there for her friends. But now, sometimes I question if Sarah lost sight of doing what was best for her and making sure she was okay due to always prioritizing everyone else before herself. Sarah was everyone else’s biggest cheerleader, but was she her own?
Healing from trauma is a long and challenging process. I’m aware that the pain of losing my friend can hit me out of nowhere, and I’ve learned to be patient with myself. Being in college and dealing with it is hard because I’m not around my friends who also experienced losing her, and I haven’t met people yet that I feel comfortable opening up to yet. Currently, I only have myself to rely on, and journaling has been helping me work through that. Sarah was a great friend to me and will forever be missed by everyone who knew her.
Make sure to always communicate with your friends, even the ones that you think are doing just fine. You never know what someone is going through.
